Debasing Cindy

Trashy reality shows are like train wrecks. You're not supposed to enjoy watching them, but once you start, it's impossible to look away. There's something so horrifying and yet so satisfying about watching other people destroy their lives on national television, especially if the people in question are B-list celebrities.

Anyway, while camping out at home during The Great Snowpocolypse of 2010, I found myself submitting to the guiltiest of all guilty pleasures: Fox Reality Channel. As if that weren't sinful enough, I became enraptured, if you will, with the newest "celebreality" sensation, Seducing Cindy.

This little gem of a show follows human Barbie doll Cindy Margolis on her quest to find "love" following her divorce in 2008.

Cindy, 44 years old, is given the choice between two-dozen men, ranging from 18 to 71 years of age. While shows like The Bachelor present the subject with a number of potential suitors based on compatibility, Cindy'scornucopia of men seem to have little or nothing in common with her. She's a good sport, though, and politely accepts any and all affectionate gestures from her contestants, despite the fact that most of them are complete zeros. From the antisocial comic collector to the chronic celebrity dater, to the speed-strung musician with a beard down to his belt, all I could do was ask myself what on earth a Playboy centerfold model was doing with such losers. The most amazing part to me was the way Fox Reality presented Cindy as a desperate older mom in need of a date, rather than as an extremely attractive woman who should rightfully have her pick of any man she wanted. And even with a room of men falling over themselves to be with her, Cindy still expressed insecurity, lack of self-esteem, and a need to use her appearance to win their approval. Aside from prancing around in a wide array of desperate-looking outfits, the elimination ceremony consisted of the contestants individually reaching into a very high slit in Cindy's dress to remove a garter, one for each man moving onto the next round. Very classy, Fox Reality. Very classy indeed.

You'll be happy to know that the sexism present in this show isn't just a one-way street. I can't have been the only viewer with my jaw on the floor when I saw Cindy's first elimination challenge. While most reality dating shows start off with something tame, such as bowling, Cindy Margolis brought in the big guns on only her second episode. The summons? To participate in a fertility test.

That's right, before she bothered to learn all of their names, she wanted them to masturbate into a cup.

The challenge would determine two winners: the man with the most fertile specimen, (tested by a lab technician) and the man who produced it the fastest. The two biggest jerk-offs were rewarded with a date. I don't even know what to say about this, except that they must have needed at least one challenge that the goateed musician could win (and win it he did, in a stunning one-and-a-half minutes).

When you hear from me next, I'll be criticizing your favorite childhood films!